Black Candles (1982)

The original title of this Spanish film is LOS RITOS SEXUALES DEL DIABLO, which translates to THE SEXUAL RITES OF THE DEVIL. That is a more fitting title for this sleazy satanic tale. It was directed by Jose Ramon Larraz who also directed the much better VAMPYRES (1974). There are men and women having sex and orgies because they love Satan and apparently the cardinal rule is FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES! This is a soft-core porn flick with no real horror elements. There are twelve sex scenes and barely a drop of blood is shed.

 Drew is married to Fiona and they are both devil worshippers - part of a larger group residing outside of London. His lover (not Fiona) comes over and they fuck cowgirl style (woman on top). Fiona knows that her man is planning on ditching the witch scene so she kills him by sticking a pin into a voodoo doll. He croaks right on his bed. After the opening credits roll we are introduced to Carol and her boyfriend Robert. Carol is going to visit the manor, around which the diabolical sect is rooted. She’s there to clear up legal issues regarding her brother’s death, Drew. Her sister-in-law Fiona, picks them up at the airport and drives them to the estate. On the car-ride Carol falls asleep in the back seat. When they get to the large home the power is down and Carol finds it strange that Fiona has a lot of black candles on hand. There are also plenty of demonic lithographs on the walls and Fiona explains that she is interested in demonology.

 Once the couple is shown to their room they immediately start to fuck, missionary style (guy on top). Since this film is riddled with sex, I figured I’d describe the sexual positions to you…humor me. Robert fingers Carol’s vagina and fondles her boobs. Unbeknownst to them, Fiona is watching through a peep hole while pleasuring herself. It looks like she had an orgasm too! After sex comes more sex! Carol has a dream in which she is fucking Drew, her brother! The fucking this time is rougher, missionary style again, and ol’ Drew pounds it into her good, holding her legs over his shoulders. Then Fiona pops into the scene and starts tongue kissing Carol while Drew eats his sister’s pussy out. When she wakes up Carol goes downstairs and sees a bearded man peeking in through the window. He vanishes in a second and then Fiona is there to calm her down and make her drink this awful black herb tea. We later find out it’s mandrake tea, and Fiona insists she drink that crap every time she gets a chance. I believe it’s somehow part of the witchery.

The next day, while Carol is out, an older dark haired woman (we’ll call her witch A) goes through her stuff and steals a necklace. We then follow her outside, to the barn, where she is masturbating a black billy goat. She is talking to a farm hand and tells him that tonight he’s going to see the goat mount a woman and cum inside her! Witch A then goes to her room to have sex with a much prettier blonde (we’ll call her witch B). There is enthusiastic pussy groping and breast fondling. What comes after sex? The answer is more sex! The fucking goat mounts witch B and they start fucking! The bearded man from before is there. He is a devil priest and he’s witnessing the event while uttering demonic prayers. Once the goat has blown his load the priest pricks the witch’s finger and collects a little blood in a chalice.

While Carol settles the legal business with the lawyer, Fiona seduces Robert and they have sex. He eats her out and then she mounts him, reverse cowgirl style (woman on top, with back towards her partner). When Carol returns she suspect’s her brother did not die of natural causes and that there is in fact a group of devil worshipers among them. She then goes to her room, lays down on her bed and has an out-of-body experience. During this, she witnesses ritual sex in an altar room. The devil priest reads some crap from his devil book and fucks Fiona on the altar, missionary style. He also eats her out. The naked cult members gathered around the scene become aroused and start making-out. During the session, Robert is present. He renounces God and embraces Satan, and is inducted into the coven. Naturally he fucks Fiona, and henceforth begins to hang out with the other cult members. When Carol wakes up she tries to find the ritual room in the house and tracks it to the cellar because she sees sulfur on the ground and horned animal skulls on the walls. The door is locked though. Later that night Robert forcefully fucks Carol doggy style (we all know this position). A few minutes later we find Fiona fucking Robert again!!! They do it reverse cowgirl style AND doggy style.

The next day Carol knows that Robert is a Satanist because he had never fucked her that hard before! Oh, and because she saw his initiation during her out-of-body experience. Listen up readers! This review has gotten way too long and I’m tired of describing sexual positions. There are THREE more sex scenes which I really don’t want to explore. I’m going to sum things up now because if not, this review could run another page. Some more witches fuck, a cult member is sodomized with a sword for wanting to leave the cult, and Carol is caught while trying to escape. She is put naked on the altar, fucked several times and initiated into the diabolical group. Oddly, she offers no resistance…go figure? Ok, so now everyone is a child of Satan. But you know what? The film starts over again. Remember when I mentioned Carol feel asleep in the back seat of the car on their way to the manor? The whole thing was a dream. Carol, Robert and Fiona, enter the dark house and light black candles and that’s the end of the movie! 

Too much sex that leads nowhere makes this movie fail. Maybe three or even four good hardcore fuck scenes would have sufficed. Instead we get TWELVE! We get it already! The hedonistic fucks love to fornicate. Since I’m a sucker for good boobs and bushy pussy groping I gave this movie two stars. There is also that unheard of bestiality scene! Instead of a dynamic horror movie plot we get successive sex scenes barely held together by the thin horror story thread. There is also nobody being killed! Drew’s murder at the beginning was just a fluke to pave the way for new characters to enter the film to have more sex. I saw this movie twice to see if I missed any subtle erotic undertones that would carefully evolve into a good erotic film. I found nothing like that. This is pure grindhouse sleaze which I know many of you might enjoy.

2 / 5 STARS

Gorgasm (1990)

When I first heard this film’s title I imagined a fatal blowjob, in which a geyser of semen shot through a women’s mouth and out the back of her head. Although not as graphic as my early imaginings, this is a fun little schlock flick with a delightfully wicked premise. GORGASM was written and directed by Hugh Gallagher; this is the first in what you may call his “Gore Trilogy”, with the subsequent films being GOROTICA and GORE WHORE.

 Chase is a frustrated cop who wants to be a detective and solve crimes but his unsympathetic boss assigns him nothing but a desk job, that is until a homicide breaks and the only other homicide detective in the precinct called in sick. Tara, played by real life porn star Gabriela, is a seductress who performs her own type of S&M (if you follow this blog you probably already know what S&M means), called Gorgasm. What it boils down to is simply a strip tease, where the recipient is in bondage, then killed in some grisly manner. That’s right, there is NO SEX involved. After a substantial fee, I mean this bitch asks for ALL your money since your not going to need it where you’re going, all you get to see are a nice pair of tits because she doesn’t even take off her damn panties. The latest satisfied customer got his throat slashed and Chase heads over to the crime scene to do some detective work. He comes across a flyer advertising Gorgasm: the ultimate climax and after some legwork, which involved browsing the local adult video store, he locates the publisher. After displaying the badge in his Velcro wallet he easily gets some information, but not Tara’s address. The way it works is you post an ad requesting Gorgasm and Tara contacts whomever she wants at her discretion.

 At about the same time the investigation is developing we’re introduced to a young couple with sex issues. Boyfriend wants to try S&M, girlfriend responds by kneeing him in the junk , saying “live it up lover boy!”. What girlfriend doesn’t know is that lover boy has posted an add requesting Gorgasm, that is until she walks in on the act. Tara has killed boyfriend with a weed-eater to the face. The girls get into a cat-fight and Tara kills girlfriend by strangling her with a power cord. Well, that’s the end of that story.

As we learn more about Tara, as a sex-fueled psychopath, the more frightening the character becomes. She was married to a man that could take so much pain (she reflects), but he ventured into dangerous territory and crossed the line through what must have been an exquisite Gorgasm(!), perhaps the conception of Tara’s deadly ritual. This woman lives somewhere in a cemetery where she keeps her husband’s mummified corpse, which looks like a mannequin in a plaid shirt. She relives the marital bliss, sadistic fornication, whatever you want to call it, by listening to an audio recording of her husband pleading for his life, while she whips the lifeless carcass with a rope. In a scene, where I will leave for you to discover for yourselves, the sultry tart dabbles in necrophilia!

Chase is pulled from the case when the other homicide detective is feeling better. What to do now? Well, Chase crashes on the couch, cracks open a beer, and continues further research by watching a hardcore S&M video. Believe it or not HE FALLS ASLEEP WATCHING PORN and has a nightmare with Tara. I know what your thinking. How does he even know what Tara looks like? Well, there’s a topless photograph of her (so much for anonymity) on that cheaply printed flyer, which I’m sure he’s examined thoroughly. Before you jump to conclusions, Chase is not as dumb as he looks. Tara will indeed be in his home soon enough, because he had placed an ad requesting Gorgasm! Earlier he received her phone call, in which the brief conversation went exactly like this: Tara, “Do you want the ultimate climax?”, Chase “Yeah, that’s what I want”.

When Tara shows up Chase points a gun at her and informs her he’s a lawman. Tara lustfully rubs her breasts, momentarily distracting the detective. She then kicks the gun out of his hand. Chase pulls out another revolver but the bitch has gotten a hold of a machete and she chops his fucking hand off. He faints and upon awakening realizes he is being restrained in the garage. A short moment later he is able to break free and grab Tara as she is trying to escape out under the partially closed garage door. Chase has got a good hold on her when she says, “What are you doing, you son of a bitch?”. He replies, “Take you to a level you’ve never known!”. He sticks his arm (with gun in hand) between her legs and shoots a bullet up her pussy. That’s GORGASM bitch!

There is somewhat of a surprise twist ending but I feel it takes something away from the spectacular ending mentioned above, so I won’t go into it. I saw this movie with Jose and it was a riot! Gabriela, who plays Tara, has phenomenal breasts: perky, plump and aesthetically pleasing. I found myself enjoying this movie, despite it’s many flaws. I really liked the concept and the way it was depicted was quite humorous, partly due to its budget. Gorgasm won’t blow your mind but it’s a must watch for schlock fans.

3 / 5 STARS

Evil in the Woods (1986)

EVIL IN THE WOODS is an obscure horror comedy that has been known to polarize audiences. Get ready for a surreal journey into the woods, filled with Bigfoot, space aliens and a witch! Writer/director William J. Oates probably wrote the film while listening to The Grateful Dead and under the influence of hypnotic drugs.

A little kid named Billy walks to the public library and picks out a peculiar book called Evil In The Woods. When he gets home he jumps on his bed and starts reading. Here our journey begins as well. The stories in the book are what largely make up the bulk of this film. And everything takes place in the woods. There are two main story arcs and we jump back and fourth until they interact in the third act.

The first story being told is that of a film crew shooting a movie in the woods called Bigfoot Vs. The Alien Space Killers. Alongside, also in the same woods, the second story being told is about a family on a camping trip. The young boy wanders off and is captured by bizarre as fuck psychotic loons that behave like rambunctious children. They take the child to their faux mother, whom happens to be a nasty witch. The worried parents contact the lazy sheriff, but by this time the lad has been diced up and been made into kiddie stew! Now we jump back to the film crew. After checking-in on the crew the movie producer’s car stalls and he is attacked by a real Bigfoot. Meanwhile the film crew is slacking off and a couple are doing drugs. Going back to the witch, we learn that she takes a youth potion and is in a romantic relationship with the sheriff. Skipping back to the film crew storyline, a female cast member is abducted by the witch’s depraved children. Several other crew members start to vanish as well.

Are you ready for this shit to jump into warp drive? The third act is a chaotic jumble of dancing images! We learn, amongst other things, that these wacko children are cannibals! They take their abductee to a broken down house and terrorize her by jumping around like idiots and chomping down on assorted entrails. For some reason they undress her and put her in a fluffy new dress?! The children disembowel a near-dead victim while everyone is screaming and wearing party hats. Well, to be fair, the frightened, hysterical captive is not. As night covers the woods, the witch concocts a spell to turn her children into various types of hairy monsters. The monsters ravage the film crew’s campsite and kill everyone. Our story ends but the book somehow affected Billy and when his parents go inside his room to check on him - he turns into an alien werewolf!!

Now, I was told that this was a shot-on-video movie but frankly I couldn‘t tell. I browsed the web but came up empty handed. If in fact it was an early SOV quickie it has a fairly large cast and a decent production value. Many people complain about the back and forth story mode, and although I admit that at first it can be jarring, as the film progresses you kinda figure some stuff out. This is a mind-fuck movie. I was left disorientated and a little afraid.

There were several moments when my mind drifted off, but I went back and examined just what the fuck was going on. I probably wouldn’t have done this if I weren’t going to write up a review, but I like to keep my facts straight as best I can. The average viewer has probably never seen anything like this. It packs quite a potent punch of bizarre drunkenness. It is not a good movie, but it is damn unique. While watching this film my mind went up and down regarding star rating. After the first 30 minutes I was sure it would get a zero stars. Then something weird happened, and after that something weirder. Soon there was this chaotic mess which I had to process and in the end I gave it a modest 2 stars. If you can track down a copy it is worth a watch but beware, because this shit shreds your grey matter!

2 / 5 STARS

Claw of Terror (1973)

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Curse of Bigfoot (1976)

This is a most peculiar and much boring Bigfoot movie. CURSE OF BIGFOOT is apparently an amalgamation of a prior flick from the 50s called TEENAGERS BATTLE THE THING and some new boring scenes (much of it stock footage) to lengthen the runtime and produce a “better” product. Being a made for TV film, I understood things couldn’t get too graphic or sexy, but apparently it could be as lame as it wanted to be.

A high school class on the supernatural is learning about strange, mythic creatures and they are expecting a guest speaker who has first hand experience with Bigfoot. The man in question is Roger Mason and he has a whopper of a tale.  But before we can ease into storytelling mode we get some sort of a documentary on Bigfoot sightings. That pretty much consists of a new understanding of Bigfoot as a prehistoric being, a monster of evolution! Then we learn of two woodsmen that walk around the forest for a long time, looking for the Bigfoot creature. This scene drags on and we get lost in the bright, sunlit foliage and beige plaid shirts.

After the short doc the real plot (Roger’s tale) starts to develop. A group of enthusiastic kids and two teachers (one of them being Roger) go on a field trip to an archaeological dig site to study shards of pottery and sticks on the ground. They uncover a tablet on the ground with strange writings. When they pull up the tablet, smoke blows out and they realize that what they are looking at was a sealed cave. Inside there is a mummified body preserved in a layer of thick mud. They take the corpse to the cabin and during the night Bigfoot breaks out of the wrappings and begins to stalk innocent people. Along with the sheriff, the group hatch a dumb plan to destroy the monster. They lure him out of the grove, splash gasoline on him and set him on fire!

Bigfoot’s face is fashioned from paper mache. He has fuzzy hair, fangs, and moss covered body. I thought he looked pretty cool, but the bastard is barely in the film. The few kill scenes we get are just close-ups of his face and the victim screaming in the background. I wanted him to grab someone by the throat and throw them across the room and snap their necks. There is a shitty brawl he has with the sheriff but that’s still not enough.

The first half of this movie is yawn inducing; so much so that I seriously considered turning off the TV and selecting another movie to review. The plot about the kids on a field trip is not much better but at least Bigfoot shows up for what it’s worth. We have to wait for it though, because they spend a good chunk of time walking around and discussing archeology. CURSE OF BIGFOOT has become a new addition to my list of “Zen” movies. These are movies so boring that you get lost and your mind wanders to a peaceful yet unnatural state. It’s as if you are meditating with the help of the movie. Five minutes after you watch it the whole thing vanishes from your mind like smoke rising from incense. The real curse is that many of you, including myself, will develop a sick desire to watch this movie again as many other reviewers have mentioned.

0 / 5 STARS

Moon of the Wolf (1972)

 What we have on our hands, dear friends, is a secular horror story. It approaches the theme of lycanthropy from a non horror point of view. It’s a murder mystery with a pinch of horror. The werewolf is not the key ingredient; the murder mystery is. Although simple, the plot is entertaining and the pieces of the puzzle fall into place quite naturally. With good acting and a smart script this made for TV movie would have gotten 3 stars, if it wouldn’t have been for the god-awful ending.

 The Louisiana folks of Marsh Island are struck dumb when a brutal murder surfaces in the swamp. The slightly ravaged corpse of a young woman is found in the predawn hours by two local hicks, who might have been missing some chompers, because I couldn’t understand most of what they were saying with that thick southern accent spewing from their toothless, chewing-tobacco mouths. It’s also pretty fucking dark (the poor film strip doesn’t help)  and these two guys scramble about when their dogs start barking. Tom and his son Tom junior follow the excited hounds to the unfortunate young lady’s body. In a couple of hours the arrogant sheriff Aaron Whitaker (David Janssen) shows up. It quickly hit me that this guy is not so much arrogant, but determined and commanding with a hint of that Captain Kirk swagger Shatner made famous. The top four buttons on his shirt are unbuttoned and it’s time to start sleuthing! 

The victim’s brother is Lawrence - and the news couldn’t have come at a worse time; he’s taking care of his sick father Hugh, who lays in bed talking nonsense in French. But it’s not nonsense to us, horror fans. The old man knows about lycanthropy lore and figures out exactly what has happened. It’s too bad he’s speaking in French, but even if we could have understood it, the people in this film know not and believe not, horror protocol. One review of the film mentioned it being IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT meets THE X-FILES. Can you imagine Sidney Poitier tracking down a werewolf? Anyway… Whitaker wastes no time and canvases the small town. But before that he gets the autopsy results from doctor Druten. Druten explains that wild dogs hadn’t killed her, which is what most of the town believed. The victim was dealt a blow to the head, if feral dogs chewed her up, that came later. Druten had been in a relationship with the young woman and had gotten her pregnant. That casts suspicion on the doctor and when Lawrence finds out he attacks him. Lawrence is put in jail and Whitaker continues his detective work.

Andrew Rodanthe and his sister Louise are high society. The Rodanthe family founded Marsh Island long ago. The siblings are cooperative when questioned. Whitaker presents a new clue, an expensive necklace found at the crime scene. Andrew confesses that he gave the victim the gift as a token of appreciation for bringing him medicine. He suffers from a mysterious malady which causes him to black out and turn into a werewolf when the moon is full. Well, he doesn’t put it that way, because frankly, he may or may not be fully aware of Mr. Hyde. The end of the film suggests he knew all along he was a demonic beast but that is never really explained to my satisfaction. In fact we know close to nothing regarding this guy’s lycanthropy because the film does not address it. Instead it throws you a fucking curve ball to the nuts.

In the last half hour we start to see werewolf action. Well, as much action as a 70s made for television mystery film can provide. The werewolf goes after Lawrence, who’s in prison, and violently (I think) kills him off-camera. The deputy, knowing nothing of silver bullets, empties his gun on the monster and gets himself killed, also off-camera. Now that I think about it, I don’t think there were any on-camera killings. The building tension of a mystery film is nice but when you put a werewolf in your movie I want to see limbs being torn, bloody wolf muzzles, and a cool transformation scene. Here we don’t even get a transformation scene, which is a must in a werewolf movie! Allow me to skip towards the disappointing last act of the film because I want to get this movie out of my mind as soon as I can. I’m pissed off because what could have been a good murder mystery, decided to be a weak horror film.

Louise knows that she is going to be the next victim because Hugh, Lawrence’s dying father, saw a pentagram on her palm. Funny enough we don’t get to see squat. I should have expected as much from this film. You can’t tell me the budget wouldn’t allow for a red sharpie drawing on the palm. Hugh is the only horror-aware character in this film and because of him the movie does not get one star. Louise speaks French and can therefore understand the old man. She runs home and opens up her black magic, witchcraft, supernatural necronomicon encyclopedia and learns everything about lycanthropy. What type of high class aristocrat  has such book, in a secular horror film? The filmmakers thought: Quick, we have to explain all this shit to our audience. In the last ten minutes Louise has to be well informed on how lycanthropy works and how to kill her brother. 

Louise learns that werewolves can only be killed by fire or with bullets that have been blessed. Her brother stalks her in the barn and she chucks a gas lamp in his direction. The whole barn goes up in flames and we think the monster is killed. But he is not killed! He breaks into the house and Louise shoots him down with a gun she conveniently finds somewhere. And you know what made me loathe the ending? The gun she used was conveniently loaded with blessed bullets??? Here is her explanation word for word. “He knew, He made me fire at him. He knew, the bullet, he must have had them blessed. He must have done that…He knew.”

As I reflect and gather my final thoughts on the movie I question whether I should have given it one star. I have to be unbiased and recognize the fine acting and development of the mystery story, which was engaging none the less. Then there’s Hugh, good ol’ Hugh! He, with his werewolf knowledge, also helped save the film from getting only one star. He knew of werewolves, he could see pentagrams in the palms of victims and he even had his sick nurse pimp-out his home with wolves bane. The truth of the matter is that the only thing that will probably linger in my mind when I think back about this movie will be Louise’s last words: “He knew” - now so do you! 

2 / 5 STARS

Fantom Kiler (1998)

 

It was simply chance that led me to the Polish film FANTOM KILER and it’s unique director, Roman Nowicki. Before I get into the film I want to let you know that there are four films in the series (titled FANTOM KILER 2,3,4) and two more in what appears to be a spin-off called FANTOM SEDUCER. These are, simply put, X rated shot on video sleaze-fests. Anyone that has read a review for FANTOM will notice that it has been called (and rightly so) a misogynist’s fantasy. Now, should that make us feel guilty, indulging in the graphic portrayals of sex and violence on the screen? Fuck No! I love and respect women. Nowicki portrays them being brutally taunted, debased and slaughtered in what he calls “a schizophrenic comedy and erotic horror fantasy” and when asked if he is a misogynist, adds “Of course not and I resent that question”, explaining how he is a huge fan of women. Bottom line: An artist should not need to apologize for his work!

FANTOM KILER sparks the controversy that it does because it is raw and honest in it’s depiction of a deranged man with a deadly grudge towards women. Nothing is left to the imagination and the death scenes are exploitative. On the other hand, it would be a shame to discredit the ridiculous comedy that douses the picture with an awkward charm. This is no grand picture with deep themes. The sets are sparsely decorated and the acting is  porn film quality. There is no beautiful cinematography as in early European sexploitation pictures. There were probably only two main sets used but the lighting was good. It showcased the beautiful women and their luscious breasts. There are enough plump  boobs to keep even the most jaded breast man happy.

The story deals with two mean-spirited middle-aged men that work at a railway station as janitors. Instead of working, they spend their time leering at the lovely women that pass by and imagining them naked. These loathsome characters categorize the girls into either bitches, tarts or whores. Their brains have probably rotted with decades of pornography (the fucked up kind) because all their sexual thoughts are extremely sadomasochistic. The funny thing is that ALL the women are drop dead gorgeous with knockout bodies, and they’re klutzy when it comes to keeping their clothes on. Another thing is that none of them wear bras or underwear of any kind. Our killer will not tolerate such promiscuity and must teach these women a lesson. Each murder has a simple setup, cat and mouse foreplay, and a grisly climax.

The first woman to be killed realizes she has lost her keys when she reaches her car. She decides to cross through the woods in the middle of the night. Her blouse gets caught in some troublesome branches so she just takes it off. Later she must cross a barbwire fence and her skirt could rip so she takes that off as well. When the killer surprises her from behind she is fully naked under the moonlight. He caresses her body and talks dirty to her before slashing her body up with a blade. He finishes things up by stabbing her vagina 38 times (I counted) in a frenzy and leaving her to bleed out.

Marek, one of the station cleaners with a moustache, learns that his lazy partner is being replaced with a hot young blonde named Carla. Carla is a  special slut. She is the reigning Butt Queen or something. What does that mean? That means she has the hottest ass in town. She decides to teach Marek with some exercise moves to tone up the buttocks. Her clothes are too tight so she strips fully naked! After some routine workouts she asks her eager new pupil if he’s ever heard of the King Arthur legend, you know, the one where whomever pulls out the sword from the stone becomes king. She’s developed a special King Arthur workout. She lubes-up the end of a wooden spoon and asks Marek to stick it in her asshole. She wants to demonstrate her anus strength and makes a bet that if he pulls it out in one minute’s time she will do the chores for a week. I’m not kidding you, this really happens!

As amazing as this movie sounds, it’s not that fun watching it by yourself. I encourage you to watch this with a group of your friends if you get a chance. I guarantee you, they will never forget the experience. The film could have used more quality gore effects and a more developed plot. But plot is not the point of this movie in the first place. It’s a collection of violent sex fantasies. If you really want a Junkyard Fuck-Out (a hardcore horror film party), go get the rest of the films in the series and a few bottles of  Zubrowka vodka, which is what the characters drank during the film and  Nowicki himself drank during the production and go crazy.

2 / 5 STARS

Feeders (1996)

Two friends on a road trip stumble upon the dawn of an alien invasion. Jon McBride (CANNIBAL CAMPOUT) teams up with the Polonia brothers (SPLATTER FARM) to bring us an instant cult classic. Sit back and prepare yourself for an alien frenzy unleashed upon the unsuspecting citizens of a small Pennsylvania town.

 Derek (Jon McBride) and Bennett (John Polonia) cruise along the open road in their red convertible headed towards the beach where they plan on getting some action with the babes in the skimpy swim suits. But, in the nearby woods, Ranger Gordon spots a UFO, but before he can alert the police, one of the skinny gray aliens prods him with a metal rod and feeds on his throat. Now, this is a low-budget picture, so don’t expect too much from our gray little men. The feeders are small puppets with wobbly heads that make strange gurgling growls and move low to the ground. I personally think their fantastic! After taking pictures of the area the boys stop at a gas station to fill up the car and buy some more film. Bennett has nothing but women on his mind so he tries to pick up a cute girl, and he does so with one word: "Hello!". The nice girl, Michelle, says "Hey, what are you doing?", and slam bam he’s got himself a babe; and a friend of Michelle’s, Donna, for Derek. Meanwhile, a local fisherman is attacked by a feeder and walks out of the woods, dazed where he gets clipped by Derek’s car. The two friends take the poor man to a doctor where he is pronounced dead. In his demented ramblings the fishermen kept repeating "little men". The doctor phones the police and the two friends leave.

Donna is getting herself ready for the "party" in the park with her friend and the two young men Michelle met when she hears strange noises in the garage. She goes to investigate, when a feeder lunges at her throat and eats her stomach out, leaving a bloody gaping cavity. These little guys may look funny but they are vicious creatures! They like to feed on victims’ throats especially, going for the sweet spot, for the instant kill! That is exactly what happens to the aforementioned doctor. Now Derek and Bennett are in the woods when they hear strange sounds and feel as if they are being watched. They also spot a low flying UFO. Meanwhile Michelle shows up at her friend’s house and finds her dead, there are two feeders ready to pounce and attack. She thinks fast and stomps on one of their heads. Then she lights a match and combines it with a spray can to shoot flames at another feeder. But is this enough? Are more feeders going to join in on the attack? We get back to the boys as they dash frantically out of the woods but they have become lost and there is no way out for them. They run into an alien but before Bennett can smash a rock on it the feeder sprays Derek in the hand with acid. Night is approaching, but they find a house to hold up in.

I believe the house they found was Donna’s?! There is also a skeleton with hair in a car that could be Michelle?! I hadn’t picked this up before but it seems to make sense. They do some exploring inside the home but the electricity is out and they can’t call for help because the phone is dead too. One of our little gray men jumps out at Bennett and he swiftly hacks it to pieces with a scythe he found lying around. Outside the house, what appears to be an alien leader, growls some commands at the other feeders. A spacecraft abducts Bennett where he undergoes some strange torture which we don’t see clearly. The house then begins to shake and Derek is knocked out. He wakes to find Bennett coming in through the door. But then something really strange happens. Another identical Bennett appears and Derek can’t figure out which one is his friend and which one is evil. Both Bennetts start fighting it out outside. Without giving it much thought Derek grabs the scythe and kills one of them. The dying Bennett sprays blood from his neck wound as he dies. Then, but not before he decided to kill a Bennett, Derek asks the surviving Bennett how can he tell he’s the right one. Derek, dude, you have two identical guys, one is your friend and the other is evil. Why wouldn’t you first try to figure out which was your friend before going and killing one of them?? It turns out Derek killed his friend Bennett! The fake Bennett twitches and disappears; presumably back up to the ship. The feeders are here to stay, here to slay, and here to destroy earth! We get stock footage of buildings being demolished and then we see, from outer space, the feeders’ ship nuking earth.

The Polonia brothers have made another b-movie blast, and this time, with Jon McBride!! The story goes that Blockbuster Video was looking for alien films because INDEPENDENCE DAY (the movie) was out, so they picked up FEEDERS and had it available for rent at their stores. That is how I first saw the film! Jose and I had an awesome time watching this near-masterpiece b-movie. The Polonia’s and McBride put in their best efforts to make a fun, campy, alien movie. I really did fucking love the aliens themselves, wobbling around and eating people. Watching John Polonia and McBride together onscreen was magic. My two heroes from SPLATTER FARM, and McBride from CANNIBAL CAMPOUT, directing and acting in this new film collaboration was simply beautiful!

 There are many b-movies out there; many good ones, and many awful ones. FEEDERS rises to the top being funny, exciting and easy to watch. FEEDERS is b-movie comfort food and you’d be doing yourself a disfavor if you passed on this cult classic.

4 / 5 STARS